07 LEAVE A TIP IF YOU CAN

I've heard a lot of grousing over the years about how ball breaking it is to get a
feature off the ground. So, for everyone who thinks they've seen and heard it all,
this anecdote's for you.

Not too long ago, I sold a script to a commercial company looking to make their
first feature, a pull-out-the-stops horror film. A low budget combo of the river thriller Deliverance and the popular gore fest Evil Dead.

[LINKS: Deliverance http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068473/ and Evil Dead http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083907/ ]

The following took place at a Manhattan bistro between myself and Mel, a
producer who graciously invited me to lunch to discuss the project.

MEL: Sorry I'm late, I just had lunch. I hope you didn't order anything.

CFS: Just coffee.

MEL: I love it. Lots of horror, some really gross scenes, it's great. But my investors want a few changes. You gotta add a haunted house. Haunted houses are good.

CFS: The story takes place on a river. Where do we put a haunted house?

MEL: Kids love haunted houses, so just put it anywhere. You know, they're going
down a river, they see a haunted house.

CFS: Okay, we'll put a haunted house on an island, in the middle of the river.

MEL: That's good, great. And we need space ships. Space ships are good.

CFS: What do you mean, space ships? You're joking, right?

MEL: Go ahead, have some more coffee. I'm paying. You want a diet soda?

CFS: I want to hear about the space ships.

MEL: Space ships are good, kids love space ships. Or maybe just one, we can
only afford one. It lands on the haunted house.

CFS: Space ship lands on a haunted house?

MEL: Yeah, and that's what turns everybody into zombies! Nobody's ever done
that before. I got a director says he loves it. Actually, he wants to put the whole
thing on an oil rig. The kids find laser guns some place underwater, and they blow
up the zombies.

CFS: What happened to the river?

MEL: Don't worry about the river, just write around it. And throw in a few more girls while we're at it. Girls in tin foil bikinis out of the space ship with big tits. Write that down. Make sure they have big tits.

CFS: Mel, this isn’t the same film any more.

MEL: Don't worry, you'll get paid. I'm just afraid about all this horror stuff. Science
fiction's the big thing, that's what kids wanna see. Forget zombies. We need
monsters. We need a real good monster, scare the piss out of everybody.

CFS: What kind of monster?

MEL: Make it blow out of a guy's stomach, like E.T. Just make it a monster. Get back to work, ok? Check’s in the mail.

He paid for the coffee, but I had to leave the tip.